Blawg.

Yeah, so this long ass fucking post just got deleted. 

I actually thought, too, it would be something nice. But hey, guess what my shitty fucking luck came in and decided to ruin it for me. 

Regardless, I’m going to SORT OF rewrite what I said

I am tired of sitting in this prison cell I call my home. I wish I could go outside, I wish I could make new friends, but people are so shallow that they won’t even talk to me unless they’re forced to, I’m tired of feeling this way, and I really wish I could move away.

Everything is too fake, and so easy to see through. There is nothing but lies here. Every one is wearing a mask, and the illusions of reality are so far fetched that any idiot with a brain could see right through it. but no, most of the people here just decide to live in ignorance…and shoot down anyone who isn’t them. You cannot be one of them unless you are born one of them. It doesn’t feel like America here…this is just another movie screen I’m living in, and I am looking out, but I can’t jump out of a 2-D screen. I can see other people living their lives, and potential to be happy, but it’s all out of my reach. I want to get away, I want to get away. I can’t, because I am being bound to my room, with my computer, glowing blue. I am starting to get sick of the happy weather, the happy clouds, the happy people…I tried to be a part of society here but they shunned me away. They look at me like I’m an animal… The few people that care to actually talk to me here are always busy with their lives…and I can’t be a part of them…

I am codependent it seems, I want a life, a love, and my band to work out, but anytime I try to do something, the foundations of it collapse with my eyes sewn open to see. I watch as the hard work I put in to making myself happy collapses before my feet, and everyone dances around in its ashes, mocking me. It’s so unfair…

I want to be loved…but every girl I date, even if they’re from somewhere else, cheats on me. What is wrong with me? Maybe it’s them, something wrong with them…but I am not shallow at all and give anyone a chance…and even when I’m picky, I still get the wrong ones. What the fuck?

So long thoughts made me feel…feel like maybe I’m not destined to be happy. everyone has a happy ending… Yeah what a crock of shit that is, 18 years of my life is spent being unhappy in almost the worst ways. Oh, but you say, “things get better over time; Things will only get better from here”. So not true, my friend. Every time I believed that statement, and things never seemed that they could be worse, they get worse. I am in a hole, shoved in to clay, and still falling in to the core of the Earth, where I’ll be singed. Maybe it’s hell? But what did I do wrong in life besides bitch? Well, bitching may have gotten me a one way ticket to hades, but then again, what if I don’t believe in it? Will it just go away? Well, what if I believe everything here isn’t really here? Will it all go away? No, it doesn’t…I’ve already tried that. 

So where does this leave me? Well, I’m sitting, in my room, with the blue light from my computer screen illuminating my room, contemplating life and why it can be so cruel…and I remembered, at least I’m alive…at least I’m alive. Or maybe it’s all a dream, and tomorrow, I’ll wake up not even remembering any of this had ever happened.

Gee, wouldn’t that be nice.