Blawg.

Honestly, it’s like a virus that has no cure. It’s stuck inside and won’t leave no matter what. I ignore it and try to keep going but it pulls me back down again to the bottom…and I always hopelessly hope that she comes back and sees what state she left me in…but no, reality comes back to haunt me and just as everything is fake around me, my mind masks what really goes on outside the fake place I live. I don’t know where the world is and I don’t know who we humans are. I’m stuck inside this room waiting for something that’ll never happen. My philosophy in life is if you want something, you work for it. The world doesn’t happen when you sit around. However, the flaw in this is, what happens when everything you do and everything you want falls apart in front of your eyes no matter how many times and how many things you try? What do you do then? So I sit and wait for life to happen…and it never will. I keep trying again to pick myself back up and I just get shot down in the end. The virus comes back and haunts my dreams giving me the best dreams I’ve had which turn to be the worst nightmares. I wake up realizing nothing will ever be real and nothing will ever be that way. So my heart yearns for an end to all this, but my mind doesn’t know what to do; my soul suffers. It’s like a fractal of failure. Yet, I’m almost doing this to myself in a sense. I’m the one who is sitting here, writing this…so what else to do but explain my thoughts here?I hope that very soon, I can get my life back in my hands. I want a stable place to put my foot on, a band to work with, and as codependent as this sounds, someone to love. I think, that if someone shows me all is not lost within the realm of love, the virus will be destroyed. I hope this will work out soon, and that god, or whoever controls my destiny, quits this sick game.